I was bullied a lot as a little kid. There was a group of girls who would wait for me after school and follow me home. I used to hide in the school bathroom until I was sure everyone was gone. They never physically hurt me, but it was threatening all the same.
At one point they cornered me into an alley, I can still see the stone walls with shards of glass on top, there to keep intruders out. When they finally left, they told me to stay put. They said they would hurt me if I so much as moved a muscle.
They told me ‘NOT TO MOVE’.
Now, I’m not new to inner work and uncovering layers of old beliefs and suppressed emotions. And I’ve also come across versions of my inner child that were stuck in a threatening situation. I think it was last year when I became aware of that little eight-year-old version of me still standing in that alley, unable to move. I told her I was here now, that it was ok to move and I would stay with her until she felt safe enough to leave. First she moved a toe, then her foot. And when it felt safe enough she left the alley and boy, did she slam that door shut!
I thought that was it, I’d taken my little girl out of that horrible situation, felt her fear and it was done. But apparently, taking the girl out of the situation did not mean the situation was taken out of the girl. She still obeyed their final command ‘do not move!’.
And she continued to do so, subconsciously, for 50 years.
I only realised this last week, at 58, while wondering why I felt so much resistance to launching my new collection. And before that my website. And why, when my coach gave me a launch deadline, I froze completely, unable to do anything for days.
And then, while meditating, this thought came up: ‘ they told me not to move!’. OMG, all the dots connected. All the starting and stopping, all the procrastinating, all the extending of deadlines, all the fear of moving forward.
I wasn’t allowed to.
Don’t get me wrong, of course I did move forward in some ways, but it’s always been hard and slow going, and I realise now it’s always been because of my mind and willpower, forcing my body to finally come along. My body always felt the fear, instead of a full body yes to do new and exciting things, to creating the life and work I could see for myself.
It’s bizarre isn’t it, the impact of a few cruel words from kids who didn’t know what they were doing. I’m pretty sure they never intended for me to literally not move for 50 years… And of course my brain knew all that and had moved on ages ago, but my inner child and body hadn’t. And they run the show.
So, as much time and effort as doing this kind of inner work sometimes takes (it is hard work), it is totally worth it. Because real and sustainable movement starts inside. Not from forcing myself forward, but from a full body yes!
Wow, I’m still dazzled, in a good way. I have a feeling life is about to get a lot easier.